What a gyp.
I know, I know. There's an obesity epidemic going on and there have been proven links between diseases and diet. And I'm not saying being healthy isn't important for kids at these early stages of development so they can be prepared to make good choices for their mind and body for the rest of their lives.
But when I recall some of the foods I used to eat as a kid, I can't help but pity the poor kid who gets the wheat-germ alfalfa "cake" for their birthday or is only allowed to spend their hard-earned allowance on hummus dip instead of Fun-Dip. Is the fact that our generation was allowed these treats the reason such an epidemic exists?
Probably. But every choice comes with any number of outcomes- and if my feet are taken from me years from now due to diabetes, at least I will have the sweet memories of real sugar candy and frosting to keep my engorged heart warm.
As a rememberance to these sweet memories, here are the tasty treats I can't believe I got away with eating as a kid.
1.) "Kudos" bars
What's the difference between these bars and candy bars? Really, not much. The oatmeal that is coated with chocolate and candy is like Mother Theresa in a tube top and hot pants- covering the good with the evil. It was the wiliest kid that was able to talk their parents into buying these, and they were the equivalent of gold bricks come lunch-trading time.
2.) "Shark Bite" Fruit Snacks
These things were definitely more snacks than fruit. Of course, that was the point. The best were the "Great White" ones, which were fruit punch-flavored I think. My other all time favorite was called "Gems" a kind that I only got to have two or three times and then they disappeared. They were tiny, jewel-shaped and extra chewy. If anyone remembers these, or even better knows if they still make them anywhere, PLEASE share the love.
3.) "Cookie Crisp" Cereal
I've only had this cereal a few times, but the concept of it always astounded me. Cookies? For breakfast? How the hell did this make it past marketing AND a health board? Whatever magic they concocted in their conference rooms resulted in the production of a cereal that would be great in brownies, ice cream, Hell, even in cookies. But a raring start to your day? Let the geniuses over at Pop-Tarts field that one.
4.) Orange Soda
After the days of first being introduced to your basic Coke and Sprite, and yet years before we would have to do the "Diet-Zero-Max Mambo", there was Orange soda. Sweet as can be with the nice bite of carbonation, whenever I was at a birthday party or school dance, Orange soda was my date. It wasn't until I reached that critical early adult stage and I read how of all sodas, Orange is the worst for you, that I gave it up. My reasonable, grown-up brain still won't allow me to drink them now. However, whenever we get Chinese and Joe gets an orange "Crush", I smell that rich fake orange smell, and am nostalgic for roller skates and Ace of Base.
5.) Swanson's "Hungry Man Fried Chicken" TV Dinner
Back in middle school, my Saturday night consisted of back to back episodes of "Hercules", "Xena: Warrior Princess", "Mystery Science Theater 3000", two episodes of "I Love Lucy", and the "Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour" to finish out the night. And what best to go along with this epic night of Nerd-dom than a feast worthy of the Gods. I always went for the Fried Chicken meal (that included mashed potatoes, corn AND a brownie), and as I got a little bit older, upgraded to the whole pound of food. Yep, not much difference between a grown male body-builder bulking up and a sad little girl on a weeknight. Coronary, thy name is Sodium.
6.) "Fun-Dip"
What do kids love? Sugar. What's one way to eat sugar? Through a straw-like contraption, a la Pixie Sticks. What's a better way to eat sugar? Licking a stick of sugar to dip inside the sugar! These were always the most expensive thing at the concession stand and for good reason. They usually came with three or four chambers of flavored sugar to dip into. And then of course there is the sweet tool that is also the conveyance for said-sugar. If I had one of these now, I would be instantly transported to summer at Little Monmouth Beach Club.
7.) "Dunkaroos"
What do you get when you mix small cookies into a vat of frosting? A product that children and dentists loved but has nearly disappeared from grocery shelves (and kids everywhere mourned their absence). It's not surprising, considering these things were really the junkiest of junk foods. They didn't even try to present them with a headline of "all natural" or "soy-based", because how could you? They didn't beat around the bush. Cookies and flavored frosting. You're welcome, World.
Of course part of me is relieved these things have been discontinued (or at least rare to find). No one really should eat cookies dipped in frosting, a whole pound of deep-fried preservative-laden chicken parts, or soda so full of sugar and food coloring that your mouth would resemble a jack-o-lantern's (in that it would be orange and missing several teeth).
Still, these were the foods that were around for our generation, and whenever we give in to a taste, we are deposited right back into that moment of childhood. And I'm sure the kids today have their own addictions and fad foods, but I can't imagine anything like these things existing today. After all, in addition to health and nutrition education and new allergies to combat, kids today have even more troublesome things to worry about than we did. But I just hope once in a while kids can experience their youth for what it's meant for- fun. And a time to take advantage of the fact that this is also the age when you can eat like that and burn it off after a few rounds of TV Tag or Sharks and Minnows.
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