Welcome Back, Bott-er

Who were you in high school?  I like asking people this because it forces them to reflect on the person they were and they person they are now.  And for many of us, there's little difference between the two.  I thought I was different from the awkward, unsure, desperately-trying-to-disappear teenager I used to be, trying to survive on the outskirts of the high school social scene.  But it turns out, after starting this new job, I haven't evolved much.

When I first started, the HR person took me around to get acquainted with the building.  I was amazed to see such a variety of people chatting in the break room, milling about in the hallways and taking walks outside- and all different age groups too.  I felt an excited buzz, wondering what group would accept me and who my new friends would be.  As the days wore on, the novelty of my presence began to fade, and with it my sense of self.  I began to feel those old insecure feelings creep back in, and soon I began to fear even the sound of my own voice trying to chime in on conversations around me.

Instead, I decided it might be safest to just be the nice, sweet, quiet type, which I've been maintaining for a few weeks now.  In the meantime, I've been listening and observing to see who's in what clique. Much like the laws of high school, the popular crowd is most obvious.  And one of the major ring leaders is a girl I have just been calling Popular Girl.  Every high school had at least one of them:  beautiful, loud, confident, but with a sharp edge that wasn't easily gotten around.  You either slid onto her good side, or she cut you like a razor.  She is surrounded by the usual side-kicks-: Athletic Girl, Nerd-but-not-really Girl, Sweet Girl and Tough Girl.  And of course, no clique would be complete without the menfolk to round them out.  We have a Jock-Guy, Former Jock-Guy, Mr. Slick, Mr.  Everyone-Needs-to-Think-I'm-Funny Guy and The Quiet-or-Pissed-Off Guy.

I watch them interact with each other and outsiders, and it's amazing how thoroughly they dominate.  The conversation steers where they want it to go, they forcibly elicit interest and laughs in whatever they say, and always, Popular Girl is at the head, reminding us all that she's been here the longest, and so she has to be the loudest.

I know- high school is over, right?  And I'm being ridiculous.  I'm not 16 anymore.  Hell, I'm not even 26 anymore...I'm a 30 year-old who's got a wonderful husband, a mortgage, car payments, credit card debt, and many treasured friendships.  But I've got even more than that.  I've been to places, experienced things, and with thoughts and stories I'd love to share.  And that should be enough to force me to stand on my feet and straighten my shoulders, look the popular crowd in the eyes, and make them notice me- the real me.  And be happy to not fit in, just as I never really did.

But the truth is, as much as I loathe to admit it, I secretly wish I could know that kind of powerful confidence.  Or at least be one of those people who truly doesn't care what people think.  I ask people how they do that, as if it's something as natural as being able to whistle or roll your tongue or eat mayonnaise.  It's a talent that never dripped down to me.  All I can do for now is sit quietly at my desk, smile whenever someone is near me, eat my lunch in the bathroom, and wait.

I just hope I don't have to wait another four years.