5 Junk Pop Songs that Need to Die

Ok, ok, so I know I hoodwinked you all a few weeks ago but this time I’d like to talk about the truly major event that happened recently that has changed my life.  It’s been a bit of an adjustment, what with losing some of my old favorites. 

Joe says I’ll get used to it, but of course he has to say that since it’s his fault we’re in this situation.  I think all along he was just excited to finally cut the cord.

Yes, you guessed it.  I’m finally talking about us cutting off cable TV.  Talk about significant life adjustments!

But seriously folks, I know people out there might be waiting for a Baby-Bott-Blog post, but to be truthful, I haven’t been able to find a well-rounded or genuinely humorous story to wrap it around.   Have no fear, however, as I return to the doctor’s office after my birthday and hopefully I’ll have a good story to tell.

Instead, I’d like to discuss something else that has been eating at me for the past few weeks…crappy contemporary music!

“Music”. Psh.  That’s like calling a trash bag something pretty, like a receptacle sack or a refuse satchet- a nice way to label something that’s basically just a lot of garbage.

Too harsh?  Well, you wouldn’t be saying that if you were confined to a space and forced to listen to the same damn eight songs on repeat.  There is an epidemic of bad junk pop music out there and I know I am setting myself up for an “Old Fart” brandishing, but after listening to these songs over and over again, I've had time to really assess the ass-yness of these songs.  Hear me out. 

Lately, I have been working a lot of evenings at my job to build up some overtime.  The long hours do suck, but they become downright painful when my coworkers insist on listening to this one radio station.  It calls itself “The Mix” and it’s quite appropriate considering every time I hear the music on it I want to stuff the radio into a blender.

I realize the reason everyone wants to listen to this music is mostly because it’s catchy.  And catchiness alone isn’t a bad thing.  Most of the music I love has some very pleasing hook or refrain that is accessible and easy to sing along to.  The difference here is substance and subtlety.  Substance being the craft that is required in constructing something musical and the subtlety of lyrics that are written in such a way that it evokes some level of emotion without needing to reach inside your throat to yank it out of you.   

These songs lack both, and for me, it becomes torturous to hear the cheap auto-tune or bland lyrics constantly repeated, night after night.  It needs to stop.  The bad junk music epidemic has to stop.

And these are the worst offenders…

(Editor’s note:  I realize that music is objective, and what is audible drivel to me might be a pleasurable experience to you.  However, I hope you will notice my tongue securely in my cheek as I rip these songs apart.  And if you don’t see the humor, and genuinely think these songs are AMAZING…well, we might need to reconsider our friendship).

1.)  Elle King, "Exes and Oh’s"

This song aggravates the hell out of me.  It is a prime example of this over-inflated ego that this generation has been accused of having.  I’m all for “owning your sensuality” and what not, but I wouldn’t think banging a bunch of guys all over the world is exactly admirable.  And I might be willing to forgive that if the song was decent.  It’s not.  Her voice is whiny and crackled, almost as if she was trying to channel Janis Joplin, but whereas Joplin sang without a hint of pretention, King comes off as bloviating.

2.)  Taylor Swift, “Wildest Dreams”

This is the only credit I will give Taylor Swift- she actually plays an instrument.  That alone is pretty remarkable in this day and age.  But this song needs to die for two reasons. Ah. Haa.  The girl just breathes and calls that a line in a song.  That’s not a line!  That’s an involuntary biological response!  You wanna be experimental with sounds like that?  Jump back to the 90s and go on tour with Bobby McFerrin and Michael Winslow.

3.)  Charlie Puth, “One Call Away”

Boring, boring boring.  This song comes on and I really want to rip my ear drums out.  It’s just the same old idea of “always being there for ya! Yay!” that a lot of songs employ.  And sometimes I hear lyrics so dumb it makes me nauseous.  “Superman’s got nothing on me?”  What the hell does that even mean?  Does Superman take house calls?  I don’t think they ever broached that on Smallville OR Lois and Clark.  Charlie Puth, maybe you should count your blessings with this one and just disconnect your phone.

4.)  Katy Perry, “Teenage Dream”

This song sucks for so many reasons, but in particular because it doesn’t send the best message to girls supposedly in love with their high school boyfriends.  Yes ladies, drop those panties and go all the way tonight, no regrets!  Or STDs.  Or prom night “accidents”.  Just love! Awww.  And then we can run away together because I know in my wise fifteen-year old heart that there will never possibly be another man I could ever want or love more than you, Billy.  Because we'll be young forever....

5.)  DNCE, “Cake by the Ocean”

Ugh. This song is so factory-direct, the MP3 probably comes with the tags still on it.  Such uninspired and self-important, corporate-generated bullshit, it is so obnoxious to listen to.  You can just imagine the executives sitting behind a solid black desk with one guy standing in front of a chart that reads “These Words Are Good.”

“So, what do kids today like, Johnson?” the well-dressed boss says with a cigar at his lips.

“Well, sir, they like cake, the ocean, living dangerously and going crazy.”

“Brilliant!  Build a song and get some young guys with annoyingly high falsettos to sing it.  Oh and make sure there is a chorus where they say ‘yeah’ a lot.  Kids like to all agree to the same thing.”

And what’s with all the pushiness?  I hate any song that is so damn pushy.  “Why you walking so seriously?  Let’s live dangerously.  Go crazy crazy!” God, enough already.  I’m leaving alright?     

Ok, now that I’ve gotten all that out of my system, let’s hear you slam back.  Defend your honor (if you can or care to) or let me hear the songs of today that make you want to yank your own teeth out.  Let's stop the madness.  

Dishonorable Mentions: 

Justin Bieber, “Love Yourself”.  Adele, “Hello”.