Good Talk

Not long ago, Joe and I went out with an old school friend of his and his wife.  Joe had mentioned beforehand that they were both pretty smart, but I didn’t anticipate just how bright they would be.  Educated at prestigious universities and acquiring high-end jobs, they went on about all kinds of well articulated and thought out topics, while I found myself tongue-tied just trying to keep up. 

Usually when I meet new people, I play the sweet and mildly amusing chick, offering up pop culture references or asking some oddball scenario questions.  But when I’m confronted with people that genuinely intimidate me, I mostly become a quiet and grinning idiot.  I simply nod along and interject generic comments to appear interesting, but inside my brain I am panicking trying to scrape together pieces of information I recall learning from college or hearing in passing on the radio or TV.

            This method has served me well enough at larger social gatherings, but when it’s a more intimate setting, I am screwed.  I clung to Joe’s side of the conversation like a barnacle until he and the wife found a topic that kept just the two of them engaged.  Suddenly, it was just his friend and me, and the awkward silence between us built to a painful degree.  He attempted to engage me with intelligent conversations but I struggled to find anything of value to offer.

            Later on, my mind conceived of this whole imaginary scenario that best exemplified what happened….

***

            A smartly dressed man walks up to a counter called GOOD TALK with the slogan “Good Talk Done Right!” emblazoned below it.  A girl is behind the counter loudly chewing gum and examining her nails. 

Without looking up she mutters, “Welcome to ‘Good Talk’ where you get good talk done right.  What can I get ya?”

The man scans the options on the board overhead.  There is a big colorful Pop Culture section with many subcategories.  There is also an Odd and Interesting Facts section, Music from the 70s, 80s and 90s, and Personal Life Experiences.

“Yes, hello to you.  I’ve never visited this establishment before.  I am in need of a conversation and I’m just looking for something enlightening.  Nothing too heavy,” he says.

“You might like to try our ‘Question du Jour’,” the girl says, snapping her gum, “it’s a real ‘conversation starter’,” she says, half-heartedly emphasizing the wordplay.

“Uh, well, what is that?” he asks curiously.

“’If the world was decimated and you had to repopulate the earth with one of the characters from Saved By The Bell, who would it be and why?’” she reads off her computer screen.  The man tilts his head, confused.

“Ah, perhaps not.  Maybe something a little more filling,” he says as he scans the menu again.  “How about Personal Life Experiences?  That ought to be enriching,” he says hopefully.

“Eh, not really,” the girl says, “it’s mostly a bunch of days-old stories that have been sitting on the shelf for a while.  Otherwise they’re wildly inappropriate or shocking- not for everyone’s tastes.  The regulars order them sometimes, but I wouldn’t suggest them for a newbie.”

The man scrunches his nose as he sighs and continues to peer up at the menu.  His eyes are forcefully drawn to the massive Pop Culture menu.

“Well, I see you have a lot of options for Pop Culture conversations.  Especially in the television section,” he says hesitantly.

“Yeah…kinda what we’re known for,” the girl chomps.  “Right now we’re offering an I Love Lucy Lucille Ball and Xena: Lucy Lawless combo called the ‘Deuce-y Lucy’.”

“Well, I was in the mood for something more…nourishing,” he says.

“Hmm, then you might want to choose something from our ‘Meaningful Conversations’ line.  A bunch of smart stuff we kind of threw together.  Just to warn you, it’s pretty old- no one really asks for it here.  But they all do come with a nod of understanding and a side of questions for you,” she says indicating the smaller, dustier board that lists Science, Politics, World Affairs, and Technology.  The man reads the choices and selects one.

“I’ll take an order of Science, please,” he says proudly and reaches for his wallet.

The girl hollers behind her.

“Hey Chuck!  We got any more Science back there?”

From behind the partition, Chuck calls back.

“Nah, we already used that up when they were talking about environmental biology and how we took that one class back in college that discussed city planning.”

“Yeah but did we use all of it?” she yells again.

“Yeah, we said that the professor talked about limiting population growth and how space would be less wasted if we planted more trees...or somethin’,” Chuck says, spitting into the trash.

The girl turns back to the man.

“Sorry, all out,” she says.

The man looks at the other choices for Meaningful Conversations.

“How about Politics then?” he asks.

“Eh, that’s mostly just slamming Republicans and conservatives without fully comprehending why.  Not a lot of meat there if you’re looking for something to really fill you up,” she says honestly.

“World Affairs?”

“Basically whatever we remember from NPR today,” she says.

The man pauses and looks at his final option.

“…Technology?”

“We know how to turn on the AppleTV,” she says abruptly, clearly losing her patience.

The man looks disheartened as he moves his gaze back over to the glossy print of Pop Culture options and slowly hangs his head.

“I suppose I’ll take an order of Music, but can I at least hold the Pop on that?  Maybe replace it with some deep cuts or underground B-sides?” he asks pulling out his expensive leather wallet.

“Sorry, the Pop already comes with it,” she says as she punches in the order on her computer.  “That’ll be 13 minutes of your life.”

The man hands over his life card and she quickly swipes it. 

As she hands it back to him, she says, “Have a Good Talk, sir.”