Magic: The Geekening

You know, if I was approached by a bunch of authentic “nerds”, I think I would get schooled pretty hard.  They’d come up to me, clad in their best Monty Python t-shirts or button-up polos, clutching a formidable Texas Instrument calculator or sinisterly tossing a completed Rubik’s cube in the air.

“So…” the leader would say, pushing his wide wire-rim glasses up his nose, “think you’re a NERD, do ya?”

“Yes, sir,” I meekly reply.

“Huh,” he snorts and looks to his companions.  Another one steps forward, wearing an accurate replica of a Starfleet uniform, “Tell me this.  What was the name of the ambassador sent to rectify relations between two warring factions and in the meantime, bedded the incomparably exquisite Dr. Crusher?”

“Um, well, I…” I would stammer, trying to search my brain.

“Which language did Tolkien base the Elvin language Sindarin off of?” asks another stepping forward, carefully placing his Gandalf-style staff in plain sight.

“I…uh…” I say.

“How many parallel central processor units does the world’s fastest computer, the CRAY Y-MP C90, have?” interrupts another.

At this, I say nothing, and they chortle and squeal with delight at my obvious ignorance.

“You are not one of us,” the leader declares, wiping his bleeding nose with his embroidered handkerchief.  “Come on, guys.”  And with that, they walk away, and I am alone with my shame.

It’s true.  I am not a nerd.  I have hours more of watching Star Trek before I know anything by heart, I have not read any of the Lord of the Rings books, and my knowledge of science and technology ends with my ability to adequately use my iPhone.

I am not a nerd, but I would like to be.  That’s why I agreed to let Joe teach me something that might make me a nerd overnight. 

He taught me “Magic: The Gathering”.

I had promised him years ago that the next time we lost power for a few hours, and we required some entertainment, he would break out two brand new decks and teach me the ways of “Magic.”

That auspicious night occurred last week.  Just as we were finishing eating (and watching an episode of Star Trek), the power went out.  We looked outside and noticed our entire neighborhood had been blanketed in blackness. 

“Well, looks like the power’s going to be out for a while…I know what we’ll do!” Joe exclaimed, and with that he grabbed a flashlight and began hunting in the garage for the two decks.

“Oh…good,” I said hesitantly.  To be honest, I wasn’t in the mood to put my brain to work, but I had promised so I decided to try and be a good sport.  And anyway, maybe the power would come back on soon?

Joe was having some difficulty locating the game and for a few brief minutes, I sort of hoped he wouldn’t.   But after a few minutes, he returned to the living room triumphant.

“Got ‘em!” he declared excitedly.  Crap, I thought.

We gathered our many scented candles (the only candles we had) onto our kitchen table and spread the cards out while Joe explained the basic rules.

“We are both wizards trying to defeat each other, but we conjure up monsters and spells to deflect any damage we might take.  We draw our powers from the lands, called mana, and each land has certain strengths and weaknesses,” he went on.

Already my brain was beginning to hurt.

Of course, it could’ve been the mixed cocktail of scents we were “conjuring” up with all the scented candles.  The room quickly filled with smells of autumn woods, whispering sea breezes, pomegranates, and pine. 

To make matters worse, with no A.C., the house began to get hot and sticky.  When there was a pause in the game, I got up to see if we had any bottles of water left.  Fortunately, there was one but I almost drank the whole thing in one shot.

So, there I was, getting nauseous from the abundance of flowers and fruit scents, lack of drinking water, and trying to focus my attention on whether or not to summon a beast with “trample” or select a spell to disarm my opponent.

My patience was wearing thin, and Joe could tell, but he was determined for us to finish a game.  Finally, after he made his move, I threw the rest of my cards down.

“I don’t know! I don’t have anything!” I said and slumped back in my chair.  Joe patiently retrieved my cards and looked at them.

“Hon, you won.  If you play these cards like this,” and he arranged them just so, “then you beat me.  You won,” he said, flabbergasted.

“Oh,” I said.  I allowed the slightest smirk to cross my lips.  We called it quits for the night and just went to bed, but I couldn’t help but be a little happy I won at such a complicated game- even if I didn’t quite understand how.

A few days later we played again, and this time under more comfortable circumstances (plenty of air-conditioning, water, and non-scented light sources), so I was a much more willing participant.  And I realized the more we were playing, the more involved I was getting.  I began organizing my strategies and creatures to get a better advantage.  It began to be almost fun.  Like an actual game.

I have much more to learn, but I am excited at the prospect of finally obtaining my own piece of the nerd pi (pun very much intended).