Top Five Most Unwatchable Horror Movies

It’s that time again!  Time for the leaves to turn bright orange and red, the air to carry a lovely crispness, and the woodland creatures to fatten themselves up for the dark cold months ahead.

Except that this is Florida, where you’re lucky to see a leaf be any other color but lush green, the crispness in the air lasts about as long as a French fry in styrofoam, and the woodland creatures maintain their diet of whatever-the-hell-they-want.

So, the atmosphere may be lacking, but the calendar does not lie- it’s October, which means Scary Movie Month for me and Joe.

Over the years we have seen most everything, from classic (“Psycho”) to camp (“Sleepaway Camp”, that is).  While the vast majority has been mediocre and forgettable, there are a select few that I would single out as being all-around great movies.  “Jaws” comes to mind, which we watched about four years ago.  The complexity of the characters entangled together in a situation that tested their boundaries, combined with phenomenal acting and story-telling, made this a movie I find myself stopping to watch every time it happens to be on TV.

Yet, for every “Jaws”, there are at least a few mind-meltingly bad horror movies.  These are the ones that stick in my brain, not because they were particularly scary or good, but because they were so weird, unpleasant, or downright cheesy that I find myself having a hard time shaking them.

In no particular order, these are my Top Worst Unwatchable Scary Movies:

Antichrist (2009)

Thought seeing Willem Dafoe having sex in the shower would be hot?  Yeah, me either.  And if that doesn’t do it for you, the genital mutilation will certainly give you that queasy horrified look on your face.  (Definitely not recommended for first dates.) There were some really gorgeous shots, but the pace was so slow it made the rest of the movie unbearable.

The Skin I Live In (2011)

Things that make you go….huh?  While I can appreciate this Spanish film for its gorgeous cinematography and Antonio Banderas’ acting skills, this was still a movie that was just a little too weird to “get”.  I don’t want to give away too much just in case you find yourself on a Netflix safari looking for a new movie to watch.  Let’s just say, guy gets girl, guy loses girl, guy gets girl…and guy?

Re-Animator (1985)

Based off a novella by H. P. Lovecraft, this movie had plenty of hokey campy gory moments that gave it an almost humorous charm.  I could’ve easily seen this as a selection for an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000".  That is, until the scene where the love interest is kidnapped and tied to a table by a headless doctor.  Although there is a head (and then some).  Yeah.  Once again, suffice it to say this is also not a great choice for a first date.  Unless you and your date are into this kind of thing.

The Monster Squad (1987)

You know, it’s possible that I just missed the boat on this one.  It came out when I was a kid, but never seeing it back then means I never established a sense of nostalgia, and therefore forgiveness for it.  Seeing it now, with fresh adult eyes, the immense cheesiness just bored and aggravated me, and left me missing the childhood movies of MY past.  Goonies, this is not.

The Lawnmower Man (1992)

So, I’m not going to lie- I never actually finished watching this one.  I became so lost and distracted that my attention just sort of fell away.  I’m not sure if it was the tedious plot or the over-acting, the technological hyper-babble, or maybe it was the Dire Straits, “Money for Nothing”-like animation made horrific that just pushed me off the couch.  I’m sure to some this is a classic.  But for me it just stands as a classic punch line for a bad movie.

So how about you?  Seen any epically bad horror movies lately?  Let’s share the pain together.   (Wow, that almost sounds like something a villain in one of these bad movies might say)